Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy,
"Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

A blonde guy gets home early from the golf course and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?", he says. "I'm having a heart attack", cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says
"Daddy, Daddy!! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on".
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, scaring the kids".

Every time the man next door headed toward Charlie's house, Charlie knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Charlie to his wife.
"Watch this."
" I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Charlie with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "You won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Equal Privileges for Women and Men.
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course.
Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!

Golf Definitions: A Rider
After a round of golf, 4 elderly ladies sat around the club house chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round...making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "riders"?"
The bar tender simply smiled and say...
"a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart."

Awoken in the night
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day.
He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration.
After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.
He kept repeating his round over dinner.
The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early.
The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.
"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope.
"You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."

Tam went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE F***ING PUTT?!?!??!"

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'S#*T!'"

An American, who is a scratch Golfer, visits Scotland for the first time.
Taking a Scottish Caddy he plays a famous links course and finds he can't hit the ball straight. In fact he's having his worst round ever.
At the end of the round in his extreme frustration he says to the Caddy: "You're the worst Caddy in the World!"
The Caddy responds, "I do not think so Laddy, that would be too much of a coincidence!"